Here is another blogger’s take on the ubiquitous hospital pain scales. You’ve probably seen some version of this chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:
0: Haha! I’m not wearing any pants!
2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog!
4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes.
6: I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I’m bored.
8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.
10: You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying!
None of that is medically useful and it doesn’t even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers. Here it is:
0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don’t know why I’m even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band-Aid.
3: This is distressing. I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain isn’t f*#!-ing around.
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from stigmata and/or pinkeye.
I was tempted to point out that the pain scale only goes to 10, but it occurs to me that if you are in fact suffering from stigmata then — and only then — are you are entitled to a pain rating higher then 10.
*This blog post was originally published at Movin' Meat*