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Red Neck Physician Antics


A physician friend of mine recently bragged that, while driving along a rural South Carolina road, he had stopped, chased a timber-rattler into the bushes, located said rattler, then urinated on it.

‘I wanted to say I had peed on a rattlesnake!’  He beat a hasty retreat (and I imagine a hasty zip-up) when the snake rattled and struck at the air.  Who can blame Mr. Snake?

You can take the redneck to medical school, but you’ll just get a redneck with a medical degree.

Which brings me to me.  I have to work on our tool-shed/work-shop in the morning.  The tool-shed/work-shop is, however, over-run with red-wasps.  I counted no less than ten nests inside.  These are irritable, contentious creatures with no love of humanity.  If they were humans, they would be Jihadists.  Convenient, as I have little regard for them.

So, with my wife and children out of town (and unavailable to help me should I be over-whelmed by wasps, or need someone to kiss my boo-boo), I made a plan for a 2300 raid. Plan and outcome as follows:

1)  Find and check expiration date on epi-pen.  Check.

2)  Refresh memory of how to use epi-pen.  Check.

3)  Make sure cell-phone is charged, to call 911.  Check.

4)  Leave cell-phone in house in case I have to jump into pool in desperation.  Check.

5)  Strap large knife to belt.  Check.  (It’s a redneck thing.)

6)  Obtain flashlight to locate wasp-nests.  And hopefully blind them.  And search for nocturnal rattlesnakes (not for purposes of urination).  Check.

7)  Obtain two cans of wasp spray.  Check.

8)  Worry about wisdom of using partially emptied cans.  Check, check.

9)  Use military hand-signals to convey plan to confused and sleepy hound-dogs.  Check.

10)  Slip outside to building, watching carefully for rattlesnakes, while dogs wisely hang back (having correctly interpreted hand signals).  Check

11)  Open door of building and look at rafters.  Check.

12)  Oh no, oh no, oh no.  They’re everywhere!  Worry.  Look overhead (something always lands on your head in horror movies).  Check.

13)  Find largest, meanest-looking nest and spray.  Check.

14)  O h no, oh no, not enough spray.  Check

15)  Spray other can around wall, feebly attempting to kill wasps probably alerted by dying brethren.  Check.

16)  Other can empty too soon.  Oh no, oh no.  Check.

17)  Run as fast as possible to house.  Lock door as if wasps were giant and had thumbs.  Check.

18)  Put away epi-pen for tomorrow.  Check.

19)  Wonder if dogs can be trained to use wasp-spray.  Check.

20)  Go to bed, realizing I am a huge coward when it comes to wasps.  Check, check, check.

*This blog post was originally published at*

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