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What If Other Parts Of Life Were Like Healthcare?

robert-lambertsHealthcare is bizarre.  Anyone who spends significant time in its ranks will attest to the many quirky and downright ludicrous things that go on all the time.  But I am not sure people realize just how strange our system is.  Perhaps it would be interesting to see what it would be like if other parts of our lives were like healthcare.

1.  Get up in the Morning

The first thing that happens in your day is that your alarm fails to go off.  Although you have major things happening, nobody ever has explained to you exactly what you are supposed to do and when.  You watch the morning TV show and it seems that some experts say you should go to school while others say you should avoid school at all cost.  You call a friend who says that she knows someone who went to school and it destroyed their liver.  Another friend goes to school every day and is just fine.

Confused, you turn to the Internet and go to a website that explains that you should base your schedule on the pattern of tea leaves in a cup.  This site claims that your normal schedule is actually fraught with secret appointments that will, unbeknown to you, make you have cancer.  It states that those people in power are making you go through this dangerous schedule so they can make money off of you.  They don’t care for you like the people who made this webpage (and for $400 you can have 6-months of magic tea leaves).

Finally, you decide that you are going to go with the majority opinion and go to school.

2.  School

You go to your bus stop and wait.  You keep waiting.  You know that the bus was supposed to come at 8 AM, but after an hour you begin to wonder if you missed it.  Calling the bus service, you find out that the bus got caught up doing some extra routes.  There is a shortage of buses, and so the ones that remain have to do twice as many routes as is feasible.  After a two hour wait, the bus finally arrives to take you to school.

The first teacher comes into the classroom and looks very distracted.  She teaches general studies and is staring at a curriculum that contains a huge amount of subjects.  As she is doing her lessons, she furiously takes notes on her own teaching so that she can submit documentation to the school board and prove that she taught you.  This is the only way she gets paid.

In total, she teaches for about 15 minutes and documents her teaching for 45 minutes.  You want to ask questions, but the bell rings and you have to move on to your next class before any can be answered.

The next teacher only teaches a small specialized subject.  This teacher is paid four times more than the first teacher.  Instead of teaching and answering questions, however, he is constantly making you take tests.  Apparently, the school system pays a huge amount for making you take tests, but very little for teaching lessons that would make you do well on those tests in the first place.

School is finally over, but you don’t feel like you got much out of it (except for taking a lot of tests and getting more confused).  You decide that a trip to the store would perhaps make you feel better.

3.  The Grocery Store

Upon entering the grocery store, you notice something odd.  There are very few different brands of items stocked on the shelves.  Your choice is limited to only the brands that have struck the best deal with the grocery chain.  These brands have to send the grocery store a large “rebate” check because they are carried exclusively in this store.

When you go to the meat counter and ask for some steak, the butcher asks you if you have first tried the ground beef.  You may not purchase steak unless you have first tried and disliked the ground beef.  The ground beef, of course, is actually ground turkey, but the butcher says that these two are basically interchangeable and so the substitution is permitted.

The grocer can’t post prices because all customers have different negotiated prices.  Posting prices, in fact, would be considered collusion since other grocers could find out exactly what this grocer is charging.  Some congressman in California decided that grocers are all crooks and should not be allowed to share what they charge for things.

You go to the cash register to pay.  The total is $380, but the cashier informs you that your negotiated price is only $150.  A poor person behind you has not had the chance to negotiate a price and so must pay full price for everything.

There are a few people in the store who don’t have to pay anything.  They have had the price negotiated for them by the government, and so will come to the store very often.  They sometimes come for real food, but are often coming for candy and cigarettes – all paid for by the government.

This experience leaves you more tired and confused, and so you decide to go home.

4.  Home

Coming home, you notice that your house is under construction.  There is a new wing being built that contains all sorts of the newest and fanciest gadgets, such as flat-screen TV’s, the fastest computers, and wonderful new kitchen appliances.  Going into the house, you notice that there is no running water or heat.  Apparently, there are all sorts of grants and low-interest loans to pay for the fancy gadgets, and so contractors find it much more profitable to do that instead of fixing water or heating.

Your mother is in the kitchen trying to make dinner, but instead of cooking she is staring into a cookbook and at the ingredients you brought from the grocery store.  You assume she can make due with what you brought, but she just sighs helplessly.  Despite the fact that your mother is incredible at improvising meals, she is required to follow a cookbook that doesn’t fit the ingredients that are available.  This makes dinner taste pretty bad.  Your mother, obviously angry about this, gives you a weak smile and tells you to finish what is on your plate.

After dinner, you settle down to watch some television.  As you are finally starting to relax, a knock on the front door breaks your peace.  At the front door stands a police officer.  ”You are only authorized to be in the house for two hours today, so I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

You try to explain that two hours is not enough to get the rest you need, but the officer threatens a stiff fine and forces you to leave.  Before you can get your necessary things, you are forced to leave – without an explanation of how you are supposed to survive on the streets.

(to be continued)

**This blog post originally appeared at Dr. Rob Lamberts’ blog, Musings of a Distractible Mind.**

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