March 13th, 2008 by Dr. Val Jones in Humor
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In case any of you aren’t familiar with The Onion, it’s a spoof newspaper whose articles range from hilarious to irreverent. Here are some recent health headlines that struck me as funny:
Depressed Cow Eats Entire Haystack
Nation’s Bachelors Demand Health Care Coverage For All Their Buddies
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is ‘Worthless And Dumb’
Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year
Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World’s Most Popular Beverages
Half Of 26-Year-Old’s Memories Nintendo-Related
Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel
Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes
American Cancer Society Unveils 1.2-Megaton Anti-Cancer Missile
New Product Can Do All That, More
Barky Dog Just Going Bark, Bark, Bark
And for you scientists in the audience, here’s an Onion classic, mocking the medical peer review process. Enjoy!This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.
March 4th, 2008 by Dr. Val Jones in Medblogger Shout Outs
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Here are some good ones from Mindy Robert’s book, “Mommy Confidential: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood“:
***
Son (age 6): “Dad, did you have any friends of your own before you married mom?”
Father: “Of course I did.”
Son: “Well, are they all dead?”
***
Mom: “Will, would you like lunch now?”
Son: “Mom, not only do I want lunch, but I want that fly OUT of here!”
***
[Mother is with daughter at a public restroom]
Daughter (age 4): “Mommy, I need a smaller toilet.”
Mom: “Honey, these are the only ones we have right now.”
Daughter: [Every time she wiggled onto the seat to get into a comfortable position, the automatic flushing mechanism was triggered, scaring the girl nearly to death.] “Mommy, make it stop!”This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.
March 1st, 2008 by Dr. Val Jones in True Stories
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I was reading Keagirl’s latest post about a urology consult that she did in the psychiatric lock-down unit. Her patient was hearing voices – specifically that his left testicle was speaking to him. The good doctor was able to maintain a straight face through the exam and interview. There have been times when I suspect that my expression has given away my underlying feelings. A few of my awkward moments:
***
Dr. Val: Hello, Mr. R. I understand that you’ve had thrush in the recent past, and that your CD4 count has been as low as 25. Have you had any problems with thrush lately?
Mr. R: Oh, not at all. I found a way to cure it.
Dr. Val: Oh, very good. Tell me what works for you [expecting to hear ‘nystatin swish and swallow’ or ‘diflucan,’ I smile hopefully at the patient].
Mr. R: Well, basically since I started drinking my own urine the thrush has gone away.
Dr. Val: Oh… [pregnant pause] I see [scribbles note on clipboard as she takes one step back from the bedside.]
***
Dr. Val: [interviewing new patient in the inpatient drug detox program] So tell me a little bit about what brings you here today, Mr. S.
Mr. S: Well, you know, I have a real problem with crack cocaine, heroine, and alcohol.
Dr. Val: Yes, I see. Well, it’s good that you’re here now. [I smile genuinely].
Mr. S: But doc, I have to tell you why this all started.
Dr. Val: [Leaning forward, expecting a potentially important insight] Yes, what do you think is behind the drug addiction, Mr. S?
Mr. S: Well, I was born with a deformed penis and I think a lot of this has to do with my low self-esteem.
Dr. Val: Hmm. Well, I can see how that might be very challenging to overcome [eyebrows furrowing in a concerned expression mixed with mild awkwardness and some surprise].
Mr. S: I’d really like to show you what I’m talking about.
Dr. Val: Um… well, I uh… don’t think that will be necessary at this time. I trust you…
***
Nurse: [calling from psychiatric lock-down unit]: Is this the rehab consultant?
Dr. Val: Yes, I’m on call for rehab today.
Nurse: We have a man here with difficulty swallowing and we were wondering if you could take a look.
Dr. Val: Ok, what brought him to the psychiatric lock down unit?
Nurse: Well, he tried to kill a nurse at the transferring hospital – she got too close and he got a hold of her neck. But he’s not too hard to pry off because he has no eyes.
Dr. Val: No eyes?!
Nurse: Yeah, he cut them out several years ago during a psychotic episode. He used a piece of broken glass to gouge out his eyes and cut off his nose and ears too.
Dr. Val: Oh my gosh… that’s really terrifying. [Pauses with images of Silence of the Lambs floating through her mind] May I ask why he can’t swallow?
Nurse: I don’t know why he can’t swallow. That’s why I’m calling you.
Dr. Val: Well, I mean, how do you know he’s not swallowing? Did you see him choke?
Nurse: No he’s not drinking at all.
Dr. Val: Well, is there a cup next to him? Does he know it’s there?
Nurse: [silence]
Dr. Val: Ok, I’ll put him on my consult list…
***
You can’t make this stuff up.This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.
January 27th, 2008 by Dr. Val Jones in Humor, True Stories
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I spent the weekend with 6 nieces and nephews, ranging in
age from 6 weeks to 13 years. One four-year-old niece was particularly
interested in engaging me. I tried to warn her that I was terribly boring and
that I wasn’t good at playing with dolls. But she remained unfazed by my
late-night protestations.
“Auntie Val would you like some ice?” She said, presenting
one melting ice cube to me in her warm hand.
“Hmm… no, not really, thanks.” I mustered a smile hoping
that she wouldn’t feel rejected.
The little girl went on, “Well, my bed is full of soft
blankets so you should put on your jammies and we can go to sleep there. It
will be a lot of fun.”
“Ah… well, that’s very kind of you to offer, but I think I
need my teddy bear to fall asleep. Uncle Steve is my teddy bear.” I pointed at
my husband sitting next to me on the couch.
The little girl replied matter-of-factly, “No he’s not. He’s
your cake.”
“Um… well, that’s an interesting way to look at it.” I
replied awkwardly.
“You know, if you kiss uncle Steve then you’ll be married.”
She went on.
Steve immediately kissed me on the cheek and smiled
triumphantly.
“No, you have to kiss her on the lips, uncle Steve.” The
little girl put her hands on her hips.
“Uh… well… Honey, would you like to marry me again?” I asked
sheepishly.
“Why yes I would…” and Steve gave me a peck on the lips.
Then the girl squealed with glee and ran around the coffee
table one and a half times.
Does this buy me a second honeymoon?This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.
