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Laughter Is The Best Medicine: Headlines From The Onion

In case any of you aren’t familiar with The Onion, it’s a spoof newspaper whose articles range from hilarious to irreverent. Here are some recent health headlines that struck me as funny:

Depressed Cow Eats Entire Haystack

Nation’s Bachelors Demand Health Care Coverage For All Their Buddies

Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is ‘Worthless And Dumb’

Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World’s Most Popular Beverages

Half Of 26-Year-Old’s Memories Nintendo-Related

Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel

Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes

American Cancer Society Unveils 1.2-Megaton Anti-Cancer Missile

New Product Can Do All That, More

Barky Dog Just Going Bark, Bark, Bark

And for you scientists in the audience, here’s an Onion classic, mocking the medical peer review process. Enjoy!This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.

The Ones You Don’t Forget

Every physician has a few traumatic patient stories forever etched in their minds. My friend Dr. Rob recently blogged about the sad case of a little boy with an ear infection – his bulging red eardrum suggested a common problem requiring antibiotics. Little did anyone know that the bacteria behind the drum would get into his spinal fluid, causing meningitis and rapid death. Another emergency medicine physician tells the story of an elderly woman whose aorta dissected right in front of the medical team, with barely enough time for the trauma surgeon to save her life.

One of my surprising moments occurred when I was an ER resident. A middle aged woman (we’ll call her Lizzy) was sent to the ER in the middle of the afternoon after a near-fainting episode in a pain management clinic. She was fairly well known to the more senior residents and staff (she was a chronic pain patient on multiple medications who came to the ER for frequent generalized pain work ups and rescue doses of her meds). So since this lady had cried wolf a few too many times, she was assigned to me – the newbie.

I had no pre-conceived notions about Lizzy, and hadn’t experienced her exaggerated and benign abdominal pain claims in the past. She was lucid, with a smoker’s cough and mildly disheveled, short hair with dark roots and blond tips. She explained that she had been at her usual pain management appointment when she got up from the waiting room chair to register and almost blacked out. She described feeling lightheaded, and needing to sit back down immediately. The clinic staff called our ER to transfer her for an evaluation.

Lizzy seemed fairly cheerful and unconcerned about her near fainting – as if swooning bought her a free ride to the ER to see her “other doctors.” But still, something didn’t seem right to me about her. She was light skinned, but not pink enough. Her blood pressure was low-normal. She had no particular pain anywhere, though on the levels of narcotics she was taking it would be a miracle if she could feel any pain at all. I decided to watch her, take serial vitals, and order a CBC and Chem 7 to see if there might be any signs of dehydration or anemia.

The second set of vitals showed a slightly lower blood pressure and a slightly higher pulse. She sat on the stretcher, watching the TV without any particular sense of urgency. Since it was an unusually slow afternoon, I got the chance to ask for more details of her medical history. Lizzy described her normal daily activities at the assisted living center, and how she had attended a party where she’d had a bit too much to drink and had fallen on a chair a couple of days ago. She said it hurt at first in her left upper quadrant, but it felt only slightly sore now.

Her CBC came back with a lowish hematocrit, and a third blood pressure reading was trending lower yet. I really wasn’t sure what was going on, but I was getting nervous. I presented the case to my attending (who knew the patient very well) and suggested that we get an abdominal CT to rule out internal bleeding.

He rolled his eyes and sneered at me. “Do you know how many CTs this woman has had already?”

“Um, no…” I winced.

“She gets one every freaking time she’s in here, and it’s always non-specific. Inexperienced residents like you are wasting hospital resources on drug seekers!”

“But she does have some anemia, low blood pressure, and a history of abdominal trauma…” I mumbled.

“She’s always slightly anemic, with low blood pressure – what would YOUR blood pressure be on high dose oxycontin?”

“But she looks pale and she almost fainted…” I tried to continue my argument.

“Alright, Jones… I’m going to let you order the CT as a learning experience for you. This is a teaching hospital, and I guess that means that we can irradiate patients at will. Go ahead… we’ll see what it shows.”

By this time I was really questioning myself. I’d gotten in an argument with one of our attendings who knew this patient intimately and had years of medical experience beyond my own. If I was wrong about her, he’d make me pay for the rest of the year – and tell all the other residents about my poor clinical judgment and wasted hospital resources. I was very nervous, but I just had to follow my instinct.

I sent the woman to the CT scanner with a reassuring pat on the shoulder. She winked at me and disappeared into the radiology suite.

Ten minutes later I was paged by the radiologist, his voice was tense – “Your patient has a splenic laceration, you’d better call in the trauma surgeons. She’s fading fast…”

Before I could put the phone down I heard the trauma team being paged overhead and some surgeons emerged from behind a curtain and started running to the CT scanner, almost knocking me off my feet in the hallway.

As it turns out, the trauma team was able to save Lizzy by removing her spleen. She spent several days in the hospital receiving blood transfusions and recovering from the operation. My attending never mentioned the incident again, though I never forgot Lizzy’s near-death experience. Maybe it was a blessing that I was a “newbie” when I met Lizzy –  my lack of knowledge of her usual behavior allowed me to view her with a fresh eye, and take her complaints seriously. It’s really hard to hit that reset button with every “frequent flier” in the ER – but sometimes it can save a life.This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.

One in Four Teen Girls Has A Sexually Transmitted Disease

I was surprised by recent recent findings from the CDC’s National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey– one in four teenage girls (ages 14-19, chosen at random in the US) tested positive for some sort of sexually transmitted disease, most commonly HPV (human papilloma virus) (18%), followed by chlamydia (4%), trichomonas (2.5 %), and herpes (2%).

I asked Revolution Health expert, Dr. Iffath Hoskins, (Senior Vice President, Chairman and Residency Director in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Lutheran Medical Center in Brooklyn, N.Y.) what she thought of this news.

“This relatively high infection rate is cause for concern. We need to increase our education efforts so that teenagers are more aware of the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, especially since women’s reproductive futures are at stake. Chlamydia infections can substantially decrease fertility rates, long after the infection has been fully treated with antibiotics.

As far as the high HPV rates are concerned, I’m not surprised since previous research has estimated that 80-90% of adults have been infected with at least one of 80 subtypes of this very common virus. Only 6 of these 80 are known to predispose women towards cervical cancer. But the HPV vaccine can substantially reduce the risk for contracting those 6, so it’s important to vaccinate young girls against this virus.

No teenage girl should be walking around with chlamydia or trichomonas. They are treatable with antibiotics.”

The study also found racial differences between STD infection rates in teenage girls, with blacks being infected at twice the rate of white or Hispanic girls. The CDC is calling for educational outreach to at-risk groups, and the American Academy of Pediatrics supports confidential teen screening.

I hope that these staggering statistics act as a wake up call to health care providers who may not have thought to screen their teen patients for STDs. Apparently, these infections are more common than we realized.This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.

Social Networks Improve Post-op Pain and Length of Stay

As many of my faithful readers know, Dr. Val is a big fan of Web 2.0 principles (blogging, online communities, wikis, forums, chats, podcasts, etc.) I’m even leading a weight loss group online, and there are almost 1400 members already. Although I’ve been trying hard to lead by example, I’ve had occasional hiccups in my own weight loss due to the sweet lure of fine dining. Could YOU resist silky, black sesame panna cotta with butter crunch tuile and spicy cranberry compote? Well maybe you could. For me, resistance is futile.

But I digress.

What I really wanted to point out (before my thoughts were derailed by deliciousness), is that research is now confirming what many of us bloggers have known instinctively: social networking can improve the health care experience. In the Journal of the American College of Surgeons, post operative pain and length of stay were reduced for those who had more social support. This means that the more frequent and broad your social contacts, the less likely you are to be bothered by pain, and the more likely you are to get out of the hospital faster. Let’s hear it for using CarePages, FaceBook, and other online support groups while in the hospital, and perhaps as outpatients as well.

And if feeling supported isn’t enough to get you on the right track, more research in the Archives of Internal Medicine suggests that mail reminders can improve post-heart attack medication compliance. Perhaps email reminders would work just as well (and kill fewer trees?) One thing is for sure – Health 2.0 tools can make an impact on peoples lives and I’m excited to be a part of that.This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.

Drugs in the Water Supply

When I eat out at a restaurant I’m inevitably asked whether or not I’d like bottled water with my meal. My answer usually depends upon the city I’m in – New York water tastes great, so I ask for tap water in Manhattan. The water in DC tastes like a swimming pool (at best), so I usually order bottled water at Washington restaurants.

But little did I realize that the water I’ve been drinking (whether from DC, NY or even from the bottle) has small traces of pharmaceutical chemicals in it. A new investigation conducted by the Associated Press suggests that most major urban water supplies are laced with tiny amounts of prescription drugs. How do the drugs get in the water supply?

Remember that water cycle you (or your kids) studied in grade school? Well, the “underground phase” is where the action happens. Drugs that we swallow pass through our bodies and some is released in our urine and stool. We flush that down the toilet and the fluid debris is treated in a sewage plant and then the water portion is released back into the water supply. Sewage plants and water filters are not designed to remove trace chemicals like heart medicines and anti-depressants, so they remain in the drinking water. Kind of disturbing, right?

Well, the good news (if there is any) is that the amounts of chemicals in the water are pretty small – we’re talking parts per trillion. Just to put that in perspective, that’s more than 1000 times smaller than the minimum amount needed for therapeutic effect from the fluoride added to the water system. And the concentration is far below the therapeutic threshold in the bloodstream for these drugs. But how do we know that tiny amounts of drug exposure isn’t harmful in some cumulative way?

Research into the potential long term effects of these chemicals in the water supply has focussed mostly upon the presence or absence of the drugs, and the concentrations at which they’re present. Animal studies (such as the “feminization” of fish exposed to environmental estrogens) and cell culture research suggest that exposure to larger concentrations of these drugs can cause negative outcomes, but to my knowledge there are no long term studies of the potential impact of very small concentrations on human health. But before we become outraged at this apparent lack of investigation, let’s think about why it’s so difficult to gather this kind of information.

First of all, concentration-wise, pharmaceuticals represent a small fraction of the thousands of man-made chemicals in the environment, including everything from pesticides to personal care products. So it’s very difficult to prove a cause and effect for any one drug’s influence – we are each exposed to a very dilute cocktail of chemicals in our daily lives, whether through the water we drink, the food we eat, or the air we breathe. How can we tease out the potential damage of one chemical over another?

Secondly, it’s pretty likely that any potential harm (from chemicals at such small doses) would take many years of exposure before a clinically measurable threshold is reached. It’s very difficult and expensive to study large groups of people over time – and it’s hard to know what their lifestyle choices may contribute to their overall chemical exposure. Over time people change jobs, change what they eat or drink, change where they live… the complex interplay of environmental factors make it hard to interpret exposures and effects.

And finally, how do we know what outcomes to look at? It’s possible that these small doses of pharmaceutical products could affect our bodies in fairly subtle ways – which again makes it difficult to measure. It’s hard enough to study cancer rates in populations, but how would we study differences in physical or mental performance? Or slight changes in mood or heart function?

Since there’s no easy way to prove a connection between drugs in our water system and our general health and wellbeing, we are likely to be left with far more questions than answers. I think we all agree that we’d rather not be exposed to trace amounts of any chemicals in our water supply, but unfortunately the cost of filtering all potential contaminants from the water is exceedingly high. Reverse osmosis (a process currently used to reclaim fresh water from the sea) can cost as much as $1-18/gallon depending on the system in place and the country using it. While reverse osmosis could guarantee a chemical-free drinking water supply, we couldn’t afford to supply it to all Americans. And in the end, it’s still unclear if solving that part of the puzzle would improve our overall health.

I hope that we’ll find ways to reduce the chemical load on our environment, and that advanced water purification technology will become more affordable in the future. Unfortunately, trace amounts of chemicals, drugs, and pesticides are more ubiquitous than we’d like to believe. The impact they may have on our health is difficult to measure, and largely unknown at this point. Perhaps the bottom line is that we’re all connected to one another through our environment – so that granny’s heart medicines may yet live on (albeit in trace amounts) in your bottled water. All the more reason for Americans to pull together to live healthy lifestyles, control our weight, and try to prevent the diseases that are requiring all these drugs in the first place.This post originally appeared on Dr. Val’s blog at RevolutionHealth.com.

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